Here are some beginning thoughts from the early part of December 2012 on the issue of settler-indigenous alliance from my position as a person of colour, which I had texted to a friend and who has generously kept my thoughts for me and re-sent them by email last week.
In late 2012 I was going through a questioning phase about what the correct position was for me knowing who I am (an immigrant to Turtle Island, a.k.a. Canada from the Philippines, a post/colonial nation that has its own Indigenous populations) and what my goals are as a person of knowledge and responsibility. Expressing my thoughts has been further complicated by the fact that writing in English has become problematized for me since I started becoming aware of and deeply thinking about the fact that English has been the main way that I have formed my thoughts and expressed them to others. Even though I work as a Filipino language instructor, when attempting to explain complex ideas to myself and to others, I rely on English, the language used to educate me and the language used on things I often read. This self-awareness and critiquing meant that I couldn't rely on writing (in English) to work out difficult concepts. So in resistance and response, I've tended towards having discussions with friends in person (in cars, walking across Toronto, etc.). Instead of writing, I started talking with people. One time, heading home from a night out, these thoughts I had been harboring came tumbling out and I started texting my friend, Jo, who is a colleague from the Kapwa Collective, with whom I had been having discussions about this sort of thing. Thankfully, it has worked out that she has kept my words for me and I have been able to express my thoughts (in English!) in a coherent way. With some minor edits, here are the text messages: I went through a process of critiquing within me the act of writing in the English language, the language of the colonial and the imperial and the hegemonic. So writing in English for me has become belaboured and problematic. At the same time it is the language that has the most facility for me and even as a part of me resists, another part just chooses the easiest path, for the sake of necessity. What I've been turning and feeling and twisting in my mind is this idea as a Filipino Canadian of my privilege and its twin, responsibility. As someone who has my particular history and experiences, I often feel this kind of gratitude and deep sense of being blessed when I go out for dinner where I could order what I wanted, to be in places with my friends and intellectual equals and people who understand me, living well. Not worried about my health or my basic needs. Maybe because I have known in my life how it was not being able to have what I wanted because my family couldn't afford it, now being able to buy what I want when I want (not everything, but there isn't a lot I want) highlights for me my good position. Precisely because I have experienced being with and sharing stories with Indigenous People, this sense of having a good position brings with it a sense of deep responsibility. In order to pay more attention to what that discrepancy means, the universe has conspired to make me unemployed and out of school so that I have a wealth of time available to me. Rather than just making me feel well, I also have a sense of guilt like a thin film of dust over the surface of my days. So to assuage that guilt I have seriously problematized and centralized myself. I am very mindful and aware and I am listening. My sense of guilt and awareness has pushed me to contact Filipin@ professors and ask them about the state of Filipino studies around the world. The globalized, diasporic and multicultural millieu where we are right now, as well as my doubly privileged position as a student of both Western academia as well as having access to professors of colour who resist and make room for indigenizing and decolonizing processes makes it possible ...to be continued 2:59am Christine Balmes For me to conduct this research. As a diasporic Filipino I am fighting for decolonization, for equality, against oppression, against racism. I pledge solidarity with minorities, the prosecuted, those who could not practice the good life as they define them because another, more powerful or richer group is preventing them from doing so. But as a Canadian immigrant I am complicit in the oppression, the ravaging of natural resources and stealing of land from indigenous people. 3:25am Christine Balmes In my period of questioning and crisis I thought deeply about where my position lay. Because of my sense of disorientation and not knowing my place I even thought of returning to the Philippines. I thought the simplest way was the best way. Since I want to work with IPs then I should go where the IPs are in the Philippines. But at the same time I know that to go there isn't as easy as packing my bags and going. I had to prepare. There are a lot of logistical things I couldn't quite figure out. What would I do when I got there? These were the questions I tried to figure out and which led me to search by asking. 4:16am Christine Balmes This asking took the form of actually asking: teachers who are concerned about similar topics like Lily Mendoza, Leny Strobel, Sarita See, Paul Dumol, Analyn Salvador-Amores. But also it meant adopting a mindset and being that was both open and seeking. And a constant self-checking to see how I was doing. So that in the process of living my life and reading things and being in the world I was still seeking. And things I read or thoughts I had became part of that mound of knowledge that I was accumulating to help me in my search. In a way I was like a bird collecting odds and ends that although they seemed random were put together according to their own logic and intuition. The logic and intuition have a mysterious quality to them, that slowly is making sense. As the year inches slowly towards the end, or even that enigmatic 12-21-2012 date that some are spreading now to be the purported end of the world according to the ancient Mayan civilization, the bird that is in me is readying to move on to the second stage. The collected odds and ends will be the material for my nest where I can lay my egg and incubate it to hatch the plan: my offspring, my continuation, my contribution to the continuing of life. 4:32am Christine Balmes Something I read today that I want to add to this is the instance of the Dalai Lama explaining Dharamsalla, the Tibetan community in India where he and his people live in exile, as a kind of sanctuary place where he and his people can continue to practice and nurture and grow their spirituality, their culture and language, since they face prosecution from the Chinese in their own homeland of Tibet. In a way it made me think that my placemaking in Canada is just as important as being in the Philippines because this is where I can practice my culture(s) and language(s) and help my kapwa Filipinos have a deeper understanding and appreciation for indigenous philosophy, knowledges, systems and practices. I can nurture that love and grow that awareness even in exile in Canada. As much as that sounds like a solution though I'm aware that there is an important piece missing here, which is: what is my responsibility to indigenous people in Canada vis-a-vis my role as an immigrant settler? As important as this question is, I feel that I cannot yet handle trying to answer this alongside the first goal of working for my people. But I will just leave it here as a reminder that it continues to be an issue that is important. Perhaps in my work of educating and nurturing Filipino hearts and minds I can keep this question in mind and I can then seek for an answer in the same way. xx
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Heart and intellectual rigor required to respond to this, especially since I have the same tattoo from Apo Whang-Od as the man in the photo, but I'm also a Filipina living in the diaspora.
This is an interesting thing to think about, especially in my position. One can consider the different viewpoints of all parties involved. First of all, I understand where the blogwriter is coming from. She sees the value of the Kalinga tattooing as a culturally relevant practice precisely because she has gained an outsider's perspective of it. It is this outsider perspective that gives her that knowledge to value Kalinga tattooing even as it is her outsider-ness that prevents her from partaking in it. As a Filipino, she probably feels that she has more ownership, more "right" to Kalinga tattooing than "the white guy," but she is frustrated by her financial inability to be part of the practice, to get a tattoo herself. Her social/class position in the world as a Filipino woman in the diaspora--probably having to immigrate, like the rest of us, for socio-political reasons--comes into relief when her tattoo-lessness is juxtaposed with that of the white guy who has the ability to travel the world for (she assumes) pleasure. But I have a theory that Apo Whang-Od probably does not see herself in the vaulted position that the blogwriter has put her in. I watched a video of Apo Whang-Od, and she says something like, "I'll never stop tattooing. I'll tattoo until I die." She also has a quote from a film made by the anthropologist Analyn Salvador-Amores where she says, "A tattoo is a gift." Whereas the Kalinga tattooing tradition has meaning and relevance beyond Apo Whang-Od, she has her own reasons for tattooing. Maybe it has something to do with her leaving her mark in the world, or giving something to people in the way she can. For me, tattooing was a spiritual journey, one that I am very grateful for experiencing. I have a very personal attachment to my tattoo that has led me to feeling more connection to my homeland, to indigenous people, to nature, and to the spiritual and unknown. It is the kind of experience that I wish more people would have, if it allowed them to become more loving versions of themselves. But I don't think the tattoo itself brings that as much as the intent, value, and thought you put into your journey, into the practice itself, into your tattoo, and into Apo Whang-Od. Obviously there is the financial factor, but money does not necessarily negate or invalidate the other reasons for tattooing. Also, it must be said that Kalinga tattooing among the people of Kalinga is in decline, even as non-Kalinga people from the cities, the diaspora, and yes, even non-Filipinos seek it out. Some people who get tattooed from Apo Whag-Od understand the importance and monumental nature of Kalinga tattooing (she is 90+ and the last one!) and have strong feelings regarding the seemingly inevitable disappearance of this tradition (she has a niece who is apprenticing under her)...I would like to explore this more after some processing. |
Words, images, & fripperies by Christine Balmes unless otherwise stated. Archives
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